The Eclectus Burglar

A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He's sure that there's nobody home but he sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept.

He hears a voice say, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!" He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle!

A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"

He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?"

The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"

"Hah! So what?! You're just a parrot!" says the burglar.

"I may be just a parrot", replies the parrot. "But Jesus is a Doberman!"

The Misbehaving Parrot

So there's this fella with a parrot. And he has this parrot and he swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a streak of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.

Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

A farmer buys a mated pair of parrots. Every time he looks in the cage the male parrot is making it with the female. The next day the female dies. The farmer gets incensed and throws the male out of the house. The next day the farmer sees dead hens lying all about the feed lot. The parrot is staggering around, worn out, but looking for another hen. The farmer goes for the shotgun, but when he comes back, the parrot's gone. During the next week, the farmer finds dead bird carcasses all around the farm, but can't find the parrot.

One afternoon, he spots the parrot lying on its back, its feet in the air, feathers all torn and scruffy. The farmer walks up to it and says, "Finally sc**ed yourself to death, did you?" With one wing, the parrot points to buzzards circling in the sky, winks lecherously, and says, "Shhh."

A man and his wife walk into a pet store and see a parrot in a cage. The man walks over and the parrot says, "Hey buddy, your wife sure is ugly." The man storms over to the store owner and says, "Do you know what your parrot said to me?" and proceeds to tell the owner. The owner goes over to the parrot and jerks him out of the cage and slaps him around and tells him, "you know what I told you about that--this is your last chance!" He then put the parrot back into the cage.

The man and his wife go back by the parrot's cage on their way out of the store and the parrot is looking back and forth between man and owner and the man says, "What?" The parrot says, "YOU KNOW WHAT"!

The Multilingual Parrot

This guy passes by a pet shop and sees a parrot that costs $500. He asks why it costs so much and the salesman tells him the parrot speaks five languages. "Five languages!" exclaims the man. "Does it speak Yiddish?" "Sure," says the salesman.

The customer figures, his mom lives in the projects in the Bronx, all alone so he'll send her the parrot to keep her company. He pays the $500, has the store deliver the parrot to his mother, and the next day he calls her up:

"Mom, how did you like the parrot I bought you?" Oh son, it was delicious!" she says. "What do you mean delicious?" "I made soup out of it, came out great!"

"But mom, this parrot spoke five languages!"

"Oy vey--why didn't he say something?"